Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
(ha)
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the
location of the keys.
Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
If Jack Bauer misspells
a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's
only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of
his pants.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
When the
boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",
there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides
Jack Bauer."
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Matches
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!
Bad Drivers
A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone. "Honey, be carful. I heard on the news that
there is a car on the road driving the wrong way." To this the man replies, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"
Q: What kind of person steals soap?
A: A dirty crook
The Invisible Man
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking
to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
Job Application
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Just Like You
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers
like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always
pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"
Losing Weight
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about
three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at
a time...."
Lost in the Supermarket
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
