Open Please
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods
store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the
socks feel?" she asked.
Reluctantly I tore open the package,
and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."
Relieved, I started to ring her up,
until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
- Thomas Huynh
Late to Work
I came to work one day and my boss said, "You should have been here at 8:30!" I replied, "Why? What
happened at 8:30?"
- Juan Gearro
Watch Your Health
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone
stole my money. It was my grandfather.
- Jackie Mason
24 Hour Grocery
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey,
the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
- Steven Wright
Calling the Bank
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh"
at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained
that he hadn't left his last name.
When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather
sharply.
After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her
for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."
*anonymous
Huge Sofa
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape,
many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the
cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
- Andy To
Hundred Dollar Bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her
total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.
"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"
Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.
"I'm sorry, Sir. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store
policy.
"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.
"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
Johnathon Le
At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got
some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave
my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
- John Do
Petting a Cat
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets
at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One
day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet the cat and, while he was
petting him, he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting there. Looking back around to see what he was petting
he realized that it was a raccoon that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
- Chad O'Connor
Danger! Do Not Touch!
Our clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed
on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"
Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman
arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read:
Danger! Do Not Touch!
- Allison Nguyen
Don't Smoke
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying
to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
- Leo Gonzellas
Generation Gap
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through
a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You
mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
- Mi Lang
Getting the Gift
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department
of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle
bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
- Chu-ming Lee
Dressed Alike
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family
photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us
all alike, right down to the baby.
She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then,"
she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't
pick up any that don't belong to us."
- Long Tang
Born in a Barn?
Our son was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open.
"Once and for
all, will you PLEASE close that door!" my exasperated wife pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?"
"No, I was born
in a hospital," he replied, smirking, "...with automatic doors."
- Joe and Martha S.
A-Hiking We Will Go.....
Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival
lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted
a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite
dishes point south."
- Kevin and Phuong Le
Airline Food
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What
are my choices?" he asked.
She replied, "Yes or No."
*anonymous
American Idol
My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle."
But the joke is on
her because she spelled it wro-- hey, wait a minute!
- George Griffins
Attracting Attention
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when
we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention
of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my
pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leapfrogged over several pieces of furniture
to reach my side in jig time.
To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."
- Ann and Richard Nguyen
Funny Questions and Quotes
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football
coach
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
-Yogi Berra
"I
know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players
to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
*Emailed from a friend
